More of a Thinker.

"You won't believe me if I promise again
I'm telling you that I can change
I'd scream it at the top of my lungs
But it's out of my range"

I don't know who I'm telling I can change. I don't know that one, or perhaps just me, can scream at their top of their lungs and really have much of an impact besides blasting each persons ear drums and in turn ruining your throat for a while. Or perhaps I am wrong. If I screamed loud and long enough, really, really truly screamed..would it affect? Hm..

I recently noticed that I have unknowingly surrounded myself by a nearly impenetrable dome of silence. Ages has it been since I've had the time or energy to truly let someone in. Not because I'm emo, depressed, attention-starved, lonely, angry, or any other english term. Its just happened. There are some reasons, obviously, such as slow but steady departure of friends, quick and sharp departure of family, and of course, the everlasting (well, hopefully not) and repeated action of the ever famous heart (ache) break and heal. Heal, Break, Heal, Break. Repeat.

I'm not in this sequence right now. But I will be come the end of August and the begining of the 1st Deployment. We shall see.

Writing is something that I have sorely missed. I have my journal, yes, but my mind operates at a much faster pace than my fingers have the ability to scribble. I really can't find any upside to this predicament besides the inevitable invention of a microsoft powered journal which will, after I have typed my fingers to fatigue, transform my typed words into my own, lovely, sometimes messy, hand writing. That way the feeling of being nothing more than a product of my sad generation will fail to appear. Sort of.

One often wonders if one is able to bend out of their familiarity bubble and entice in a different sort of character than their own would generally be attracted to. It very well may be that a certain lack of attraction stems from my love of the arts (or at least a healthy does of singing and dancing *jazz hands* ) and a not so..uh, stem, of the sports. Run, jump, swim, hit things with bats, hit things with feet. I like it, but I'm accustomed to the Artsy breed. It can be confusing and at times a complete sucker to think about but I'd hardly call my situation " a problem" more of a "thinker"

Mhm.

Hello, E.

This is a letter to you, by you. Its basically to say stop being such a B lately. Your mom is crazy, your brother is mean and demands far too much gas money when he picks you up, your sister is explosive, your other brother is a nerd, and your dad is surviving. Your dog, however, is cute and when you lay down to do crunches, she rolls on her back and starts moving around, looking at you with eager eyes. Its adorable, and you know it.

So, E, basically, you need to stop worrying about your figure. Its fine. Infact, its probably more than fine, but I dont want to inflate your ego. Yes, you may not like your butt, and your abs may not be on par with the Victoria Secret models but they are not far behind. And yes, Jon does have an amazing body that makes you feel squishy, but he's making it good FOR you not AGAINST you. So grab your camera and some popcorn. Except less creepy.

And E? You just finished your english course. Give yourself a freaking high five. You, with the help of American School, ruled a years worth of english which you, yourself, crammed into your knoggin. Kudos. I've also noticed via observation that if you simply turned off your phone, turned off the computer, 
and flipping studied a few hours a day that you would OWN the rest of high school. You would be free of this sillines and begin training for whichever career you choose. Hell, you'll actually have time without mass amounts of stress to take some dance classes. maybe some fighting ones. Fencing is beast as hell, and you could own any man at church.

Oh, and one more thing: Dont shut yourself off emotionaly. Its over and fixed. It hurt, we know, let it go. Were tired of hearing it. Tired of thinking it. Letting your mind be consumed by it. Its done. And Ps: Dont over analyze your relationship with Jon more than you already do simply because you've had a suck-fest of a year so far. He's a man, complete with barriers, simple thoughts and annoyance at 
bringing up subjects that will, in their own time, present themselves. And for GODS SAKE, do not dwell on the text messages you send to each other. 
Would you  please move on? Christ. Youre driving me insane. And as to those close moments in december? Stop thinking about them. Its making both of our heads hurt. You have a lifetime of those scenes to actually play out in REALITY (reality? whats that!) so just knock it off. ugh.

Elysia, you know that weird, selfish feeling you've been having? Its because you actually have been emtionally selfish lately. Its called investing ni the other person. Not heard of it? Well, that could be because you've been too busy nursing your wounds or else preparing for the wounds which undoubtedly be pressed upon you. Its life. Deal with it. Youre strong enough to be matched at 16 to a man in the Air Force. Dont be such a baby, baby.

Hey, Mahardy? Because she's not in that 'mom' state of mine anymore, doesnt mean she's not your mom. And yeah, she did choose him over you, essentialy, but its how things work sometimes. God gives the most difficult situations to the strongest of people, so you should be flattered. I know your heart hurts and its not hard to make you cry, and the thought of her often times makes you sick, but you, girl-o, are not a weak woman. So chin up, and take care of that boy.

Love and sarcasm,
Your Conscience.

Beacuse I've discovered that I have lost the ability to feel when it comes to any situation involving a man.

I layed myself infront of new people and was myself. The reprecussions are enormous. I have lost my ability to feel empathy or compassion or trust.  I am insincere when it comes to a male. I cannot speak one word without feeling that I have expressed too much of myself. That I, while in a naive state of mind, exposed my being and am now in consequence completely shut off from the masculine world. 

View my heart as broken. Imagine a freed bird that was punished for her happiness. Imagine a caged animal that once knew what love was. Imagine this, and you will know me.

If this affects my relationship with him there will be hell to pay.

My Poem

I didnt know I held such strength,
such power,
over your heart.
I break to see it, I never meant to confuse.
Its only recently that I've seen myself,
That I've seen my light.
To say no, to say goodbye, to still have you close,
To still have you by my side,
The woman in me cries aloud, the woman in me dies.
My instinct is to give you comfort, to take away your pain..
Our problem is I am not yours to find warmth,
Our problem is to stay.
To be without him is a lie.
I lie which I refuse to speak, for though my heart
Screams to console,
His smile was my suit.
And while we are sepearated, while I ache only for him,
While the temptation of other flesh is so prominent,
While the affection so readily available,
While the words of others soothe my soul,
And lift upon my veil,
I am his, in body and soul.
To us I'll fight, my weapons, tooth and nail.
Love I cannot give you, friendship, it is yours.
One day I hope you will find The One,
Till then, my comradery is all of which avails.

I wish I were a bard. I'd sing this to you both.

A look back

Realizations for the day:

Set goals- even puny ones. This world is a monstrosity if not handled in small doses, bites, nibbles or any other adjective you think of.

Cease and desist activity where black and blue bruises occur from internal injuries. Unless youre fighting. Thats just bad ass.

Upon speaking to someone of importanat issues, remember some are more easily influenced and affected by words. Sometimes they have spheghetti wills and you must keep this in mind. The forefront, to be exact. (this in relation to Realization #4)

When verbally shot in the face, remain calm. Yes, that did hurt, no, it was not fair and, nay, it was not in any way clever. 

Thoroughly consider the relation of your monetary funds to your trips. Yes, I could afford this one but no, I will not travel again for some time. Also dont count on people to fly with you -.-

Apologize.

Be sexy, seductive, playfull and energetic..but only with your One. Or in the process of wooing said One.

And most of all, know that even though the situation is 100% radicaly, explosively, embarrasingly, out of your hands, its not going to last for long. Such as roller coasters, ice skating, or any other physical form where things can and will go wrong. I.e screaming uncontrollably, painfully falling on your ass, so on and so forth.

This out of all I need to remember. Stupid Orlando..

p.s CONTROL ISSUES ON STEROIDS ARE NOT PLEASANT

Despite the shit youre putting my family through, despite your angry words, despite the underserved negligence, I will fucking own. Because thats what I do.

*buys black NYC trench coat* I will fucking own.

::EDIT:: oh my GOD he slept in my arms! It was the first time I've felt okay since everything. Baby dachson? You will be mine, and I will take care of you. Because thats what I do.

I just want my mom.

Do you feel me?

I just want my mom.